


WARRIOR HEART

by galateabellator



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action, F/M, Gen, Love, Romance, risk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:30:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galateabellator/pseuds/galateabellator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fan-fiction is a prequel to my other work, called “Lance Corporal” (Reiner and Berthold don’t have big roles there, and are only occasionally mentioned by my main OC - Corporal Ezra Schwarz, who also happens to be the narrator in “LC”). She, and whole Western Unit of the Scouting Legion (all my OC characters) appear in this fanfic as well. However, the role of narrator this time goes to <b><i>Cadet Lotte (Liselotte) Metzger</i></b>, whose story revolves around the humanity’s most wanted fugitives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One must know what one must do.

Warning: Strong language and possible spoilers. 

PART 1

The West Unit of the Scouting Legion gathered in the headquarters. I remember like it was yesterday when I first set foot in here. Our common place for meetings was the most spacious room with a huge fireplace, which felt warm and welcoming - almost like a real home.

This part of Recon Corps was under the jurisdiction of Corporal Ezra Schwarz, woman whose reflexes and battle skills could rival Mike Zacharius himself. I can’t really compare her to Lance Corporal Levi, because nobody was that good. Don’t tell her that, though.

Back when I was a trainee, I was friends with many cadets from 104th trainee’s squad. I wasn’t sure that I would stay there, though… because my skills were lousy in the beginning. It was Reiner who practiced with me the most. He cared about my training, and wanted to help me develop as a soldier. It hurts to admit, but I was a real crybaby back than, and Reiner used to get soft around those who were weaker than him, especially if they were girls. So, he would stay after regular training time, working extra hours with me, until he made at least a decent soldier. Bertholdt would sometimes join us, even spar with me instead of Reiner… and we actually had fun. Those were hard, but good times. I grew to like them both so much, and it seemed like they liked to hang out with me too. 

Reiner was like a big brother who fiercefully protected the rest of us. He was courageous, gentle, and compassionate. He was mesmerizing, strong, and a natural born leader. I can’t recall when my admiration turned into something deeper, but before I knew, I was so in love with him. Of course I would be in love, Reiner had that effect on people. The more time you spend with him, the more attached you become. Ironically, he didn’t even notice that. He was all about liking Christa (well, all the boys seemed to like Christa) and teasing Ymir he would marry the Goddess. 

Bertholdt was the one who told him about my feelings. After a few short weeks, where we were awkwardly avoiding each other, Reiner finally asked me to go out with him. We were dating for half a year, and I was sure he was the love of my life. But, for all that time, I knew something was terribly off. I knew he was hiding something from me… but I chose to ignore those thoughts, blinded by my own happiness.

After all the practice, I ranked eleventh - almost got into special ten. Bertholdt was ranked third, and Reiner was second, right after Mikasa. I was so proud of them, and so pissed of myself for not being better. I was really hoping to get into the same squad as them when we all joined the Scouting Legion, though. However, I was assigned to Ezra’s Squad immediately after graduation, along with six fellow cadets. Naturally, I was disappointed. The West Unit barely even interacted with the rest of the Recon Corps, so, it was a minor disaster for me. What can I say? I was pretty emotional back then, and very devoted to him. 

When I think about it all now, I can’t help but laugh at my own naivety. I was so stupid. Romantic girl, with romantic dreams, who broke down the very moment she found out the horrible truth. 

“The squad meeting will begin now,” lieutenant colonel Christiana Fitzgerald formally announced, bringing me back from my chaotic memories. She was the right hand of our leader, Corporal Schwarz. They looked so different comparing to each other - Christiana was very tall, and very slim, with light-brown hair and green eyes. Ezra was of an average height, but well-built, and had long, raven hair and piercing brown eyes. While Christiana was cheerful, friendly, and smiled often, our Corporal was pretty serious, introvert and mostly liked to keep to herself. She could be very sharp, and strict, but generally was righteous (and reminded me of Commander Erwin in a way of dealing things with her squad). 

Despite their character differences, Christiana and Ezra got along very well. They knew how to have fun with us, to get drunk and break a few rules behind Commander Smith’s back. 

Once you get into their squad and meet them, you start to feel like part of one huge family. It was that easy. I found the place where I belong, and I wouldn’t change my squad for anything else in the world. Ezra was always there for me. She trained me further, to make me even stronger and more accurate in fights. I wasn’t hesitant anymore. I was working very hard with her to be in the rank of special ten. I was personally trained by the Corporal herself, and I dare say that I could now rival any other member in the Military Police, since only the best fighters can join them. 

“I will try to keep this as short as I can, I know you all need some rest,” Ezra said. I didn’t know about others, but I was really tired. I needed sleep. It happened frequently after a constant scouting we had to do, and after all the things I’ve been through. 

She wasn’t there only to make me fight better. She supported me in my darkest hours, when I broke down and went through deep depression, caused by my former lover’s betrayal. She helped me overcome it. Not many other soldiers wanted to do that for me, but she was there and made me fight again - this time, my own demons, in my own mind. I wanted to die, to disappear - and she brought me back. I was never as strong as that woman, I guess I will never be. But I wanted to. 

“Commander Smith sent me a letter with detailed instructions about our mission,” the Corporal continued. “It revolves about the hunting and apprehending the humanity’s most wanted fugitives, Bertholdt Hoover, and Reiner Braun.” 

Her dark, brown eyes focused on me. They weren’t filled with judgment, or any harsh feeling, but I still couldn’t look back at her properly. Not when she talked about those two. I tried to, but my shame wouldn’t allow it, even after it was proven I had nothing to do with their actions. I felt my face turning red. The taste of the mash we’ve had for dinner crawled from the depths of my stomach, and I wanted to vomit. I wanted others to stop looking at me. They were checking my reaction, how I would feel about the fact that we have to chase them now. I felt sick. The biggest punishment for a human being is certainly the feeling of guilt and shame. It was overwhelming. 

Ezra continued: “They were spotted in the forest of Giant Trees. They were travelling together, but split up at some point. Hoover was apprehended this morning, by the Lance Corporal Levi, cadet Ackerman, and cadet Jaeger, after following the plan cadet Arlert and Commander Smith made in order to finally catch him.”

The murmur grew into a gasps of wonder. That was another big win for humanity. Maybe even the biggest, since he was the only titan who could look over all the three sacred Walls. The Colossal Titan in dungeons - now, that was a thing to brag about. It looks like Mikasa didn’t hesitate this time. Eren either. Well, good for them. 

To be honest, I didn’t know how to feel. When a monster wears a face of a friend, it gets difficult to hate him entirely or to enjoy his fall. I’ve tried, so hard, but all I’ve got was this sick mixture of feelings which I couldn’t handle very well. Bertholdt was a dear companion, a good soldier, and seemed like a good guy. Or, so I believed. I trusted him. He was friend, as much as Bertholdt could be. 

But, with Reiner… it was even worse. He wore the face of a lover… my lover… and the whole world knew about it. All these people I am sharing my life and my time with… know about my stupidity, and my shame. I still couldn’t accept the fact that my closest and dearest betrayed the whole humanity, that he killed many for his own selfish goals… and that he betrayed me too. 

“Braun’s whereabouts remain unknown, but it is presumed that he hides in the west part of Titan’s territory, somewhere around the lake Trainen. That’s our scouting route. We have orders to follow his traces, and find him. Should it be the case, we also have to fight against him,” Ezra said, like it was the easiest thing in the world. For her, it might even be. I’ve seen her on the field, many times. She moves fast, brings decisions fast, and she improvises unlike any other soldier I’ve ever met. She wasn’t the talker, she could do what others couldn’t - including me. Maybe she will really manage to apprehend him.

“Our primary mission is to spy on him, to follow him and report his moves to our main force – Special Operations Squad. They will handle him further,” Ezra said. 

Handle him, she says. He is one of the most challenging and most difficult targets to catch. Reiner is formidably strong in his human form, yet alone when he is the Armored Titan. Fighting him is practically impossible; we do not stand a chance. Going against him only means our certain deaths. 

However, from the moment we signed into the Scouting Legion, we knew we were going to sacrifice our lives for the sake of humanity. Why is this any different to any other mission we have been on? 

Besides, things weren’t so hopeless for us after all. Without Bertholdt, he will be unstable. Shaken. More opened, and more vulnerable. With the right bait and right traps, we might even lure him and deal with the Armored Titan once and for all. 

“We will have help from Captain Gustav Lindemann of the East Unit, and Captain Romulo Brass from the South Unit of the Scouting Legion. We are leaving tomorrow at dawn, so be prepared,” Ezra warned. “You should all take rest. You are now dismissed.” 

The formal part was over. Some soldiers went to the dormitory, but some stayed. I didn’t feel tired anymore, I felt anxious. I was excited. 

“Those who can’t sleep, can join me for a card game,” Corporal Schwarz added, looking specifically at me. I knew she would invite me, but I didn’t really feel comfortable around other soldiers. 

“I will go get the table arranged,” Christiana smiled cheerfully to her. Hans went for a bottle of wine and glasses, and Griselda set the chairs around one small table, near the fireplace. It was nearly a tradition. I got up, feeling like I need to leave them alone, but in truth… I was afraid to be left alone with myself. My thoughts tormented me, my memories too. I didn’t want to remember. Somebody pushed me while I stood, and it was harsh. 

“Well, I bet you didn’t see that one coming… the capture of the Colossal Freak,” one mocking voice approached me from behind. I turned my head to face Wilhelm Vagner, giving him one tired look. He was tall, with dark brown hair and ocher eyes. He was one of those who bullied me the most when they found out I’ve been involved with a monster. And I couldn’t even blame him for that. 

“We are after the other asshole now. It must be quite a shocker, to go after him yourself, mustn’t it? Aren’t you at least a bit worried for your psychopath-boyfriend?” he teased.

“Just let it go,” I said, but his fingers dug into my arm, squeezing it. His face was close to mine, his eyes filled with hatred and rage. I disgusted him. 

“I won’t. No matter how many times Corporal forgives you, I won’t. I can’t trust you. No one can. You were fucking that monster, you were with him. You are a freak. I say you aren’t a trustworthy person, or a reliable soldier.” 

I felt something in my throat, something that started choking me. I went through these things before, I was having a hard time with some soldiers who shared Wilhelm’s perspective… but I couldn’t say anything to defend myself. I didn’t want to. I felt like I deserved all the hatred I got. 

“And I say it doesn’t matter what you say, Willie - boy. Stop acting like a immature bully and behave like a man, or I will show you how to be one.” Corporal’s strict voice surprised him this time. 

“Corporal, I…”

“Liselotte isn’t responsible for that monster’s actions, nor she will be judged for them. I thought I made sure of that already, so why are you bothering her again?” she glared at him. She crossed her arms on her chest, starting to get frightening. 

“If you trust her, it doesn’t mean I have to too, you know,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, I know. But you won’t molest her again, not while in my squad. Is that clear?” she asked. He didn’t respond immediately. “Is that CLEAR, soldier?!” she repeated. 

“Yes, ma’am. It is, ma’am,” he finally responded, gritting his teeth. 

“Good. Now, back off,” she ordered. He gave her one enraged look before he obeyed. She turned to me. “Don’t let his words get you, girl.” 

“They won’t,” I said, trying to fool her.

“Like Hell they won’t. Your eyes are already wet. Come over here,” she sighted. We moved next to window, to have some privacy. 

“I am well aware what I am asking of you. If you aren't willing to go, I won’t force you,” she said. 

“I… I want to go. Please, don’t exclude me. It will be like I am being punished twice!” 

“If you go with us tomorrow, you will have to do all I say, and you might not be able to. He is… someone very dear to you. You think you hate him, you think you will be able to face him and get a revenge or whatever you are planning to get… but the truth is… you are vulnerable to him. You might hesitate, and that’s something I can’t manage. And I don’t like when I can’t manage things.” 

I nodded. “I know, Corporal. But you've trained me, and you know me. I won’t hesitate, I just… I need some answers. I need to know why. I am not vulnerable to him, I am furious! He destroyed me!” I said, growing angry. “He used me, and broke me, like he broke that damned Wall that protected us. I've lost too much to forgive him, and to be indecisive when facing him,” I reassured her. 

“I want Commander Smith to capture him with Corporal Levi’s Squad, and I want to assist in any way I can. I feel like I need to. If our tracking can help, I will gladly go after him, spy on him or even lure him. If we happen to fight, I will definitely try to capture him with the rest of our squad… or die trying,” I said, meaning every word. We don’t have time to be hesitant. I can’t afford to be. 

“If you want to go, I need to know that you are a hundred percent sure,” Ezra was looking through the window. The world was painted in black, grey and purplish - blue shades of night. 

“I am, Corporal! I swear!” I offered my heart, placing my fist on my heart. 

“Don’t swear onto me until you hear what I know… and what I have in mind,” Ezra Schwarz warned me in advance.


	2. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her pain gives her the strength to face her demons.

Warning: Strong language and possible spoilers. 

PART 2

The plan… was insane, to put it bluntly. 

I bet Ezra was a bit cracked too (I sense the great influence of our dear Commander, when she is able to plan things as he would), but you must became like that in order to survive in the Survey Corps. We've seen what others didn't, knew things which others preferred to ignore, and turn the blind eye to. Just look at squad leader Hanji Zoe, Commander Erwin, or Corporal Levi. They were all damaged in a way, for dealing with Titans for so long. That’s what this world does to you. If I survive and don’t get eaten soon, I might also become insane like them.

This new plan she made was… just too daring. Too risky, too dangerous, and I will have to rely on all my luck to do it. Oh God, she was right to warn me about it before I got too eager to participate. 

“This needs to stay between us. Do you understand?” she asked firmly. I nodded. That’s all I could do in that moment, really. She took my hand and gave me something. 

Once, someone asked me how I imagine my life apart from being a soldier. If I wasn't a member of the Scouting Legion, and just led a normal life, what would I do? What would I be, which profession would I choose? How do I see myself? Well… I couldn't answer. Not in that moment anyway. 

I've dreamed about another world. A peaceful place where everyone would live in harmony, without constant fear of Titans. However, Utopia was known to be an imaginary place, a transcendental idea… and even if it existed somewhere in time, only the stories remained for future and desperate generations like ours, to help us endure the Hell we were in. 

Our world was beautiful, indeed. But it was rotten to the core too. We had certain rules we had to follow, the government and military system, which kept order for many years, but also kept many secrets. Kept us all in dark, to be precise. Nevertheless, no matter how imperfect it was, it kept us safe for a hundred years. 

Alas, it was all ruined in 845. and there was no greater damage done in our time. 

I was eleven years old when the Wall Maria fell. The Colossal Titan broke the Wall, bringing many other Titans with it, and the chaos started. I was out of my mind with fear. I froze, unable to run, but my mother was there to push me away from the falling stones.

The pieces of broken Wall shattered all around us, and one of those joists hit her. Her arm was fractured, broken, a part of the bone pierced through her skin, leaving her with an open fracture… but she kept running, dragging that broken bone, and pulling me all the same with her healthy arm. I tried to help her, to make her hurry. She was moaning along the way, and I was crying, wanting to do something… anything for her, but didn't know what, or how. I only knew she was in lot of pain, and that I was so afraid. I dragged her too, trying to support her weight with mine, but she was so heavy… and no one even stopped to help her. They were all running for their lives - our neighbors, our friends - everyone was taking care of themselves first. But she was strong, and she was a fighter. She got all the way to the ship which was supposed to lead us into the Wall Rose, into safety. 

But when she saw how loaded it was, how they weren't accepting more people on-board… she turned her head to me, and whispered:

“Be a brave girl now, Lotte.” 

Her words scared me even more as soon as she spoke them. I couldn't be brave, I couldn't stop crying. Soldiers were shouting to civilians to drop their things, to make space for other people. 

“Sonia?” one of the Garrison soldiers recognized my mother. He probably worked with my father, who was also a Garrison soldier, but was stationed somewhere else. (He was managing cannons, in front of that breach). This soldier was obviously responsible for the civilians. He was staring at us, at my mother, like he was in some kind of shock. “Sonia, you are hurt…”

“It doesn’t matter… Ian, please,” my mom’s voice sounded a bit tired, and shaken. Mr. Ian looked away, as if he couldn't face her.

“I am sorry, the boat is already filled… if I take you now… the people…”

“Take Lotte to safety, that’s all I ask. I don’t have much time left anyway,” she offered my hand to him, but he was reluctant to take it. I didn't want to let go of hers anyway. I held her wrist, her palm with my fingers, feeling her warmth on my skin. I never wanted to let go. Never, never, never.

“Mom, I am not going without you!” I screamed in panic, in fear, in pain. I squeezed her torso, sobbing, knowing what she’ll do next. And I didn't think I could survive it. 

“You have to!” she shouted, pushing me away. I inhaled her scent - her skin, her hair, her dress. I wanted to remember her. No, I wanted to stay, I wanted to die with her, I wanted everything she would never agree on. 

“They won’t take me, the boat is full! But you are just a child, you can still go on-board!”

“Sonia... I don't think...”

“I-I don’t want to l-leave you, mom! Pl-please, mom! D-don’t make me do this!” I shouted again, not being able to suppress my groans. 

The wooden plank started lifting slowly, carrying away our only hope to survival. People started to jump on the ship to get onto it. 

“I am sorry, but I...” Ian started, only to be silenced with one glare from her. 

“She is just a child! Take my child to safety, for the God’s sake!”

“No, mom, no! I am not going without you!” I tried to get back to her, to pull her with me, anything…

“LOTTE!” she slapped me, very hard. Ian pulled my arm, pushing me behind him in one fierce motion. I hit the wooden floor, feeling how my body gets numb from pain, and lack of air. Someone pulled me up, but other people leaned forward, almost choking me. They continued pushing between themselves. We could barely breathe in there. The ship was moving, slowly. We were sailing. 

“Mom! MOM!” I yelled, going through the crowd. Everyone was shouting. I’ve pushed my way between them, got to the fence, and looked when that soldier, Ian, helped my mother to gain her balance. She was already so pale, so weak. She looked right at me, smiling through tears. No. No. NO!

“Take care of yourself, Lotte! You are the only one who can, now! SURVIVE!” she shouted.

“I love you, mom! I love you so much!” I screamed, while my heart was breaking into millions of pieces. “I love you, mammy!”

“I know,” I read from her lips, as she was already so far away. ‘I love you too’ was scattered in the wind. 

The Titans got to them. She was devoured soon afterwards, but I didn't see it. My father did, as he was fighting until the very end. He was cannonading Titans as they were approaching, blowing their heads off and shouting orders from his higher ups, managing the whole unit as Titans gathered in front of the Gate. 

But, as that wasn't bad enough… the Armored Titan appeared, breaching the Gate completely, before it even got down. All the cannons were blown away by enormous stones, and with them, small army which was managing them. All the people who resisted those beasts. My father was crushed under heavy rocks. At least, he was dead in an instant, he didn't have to suffer being eaten alive. It was almost merciful. I've been told that he died heroic death, but, there’s no heroic death in my opinion. You just die… or you don’t. And that’s all there is to it. 

God, why didn't I realize it before? Reiner Braun actually looked like the Armored Titan. Same features, same built. If I only thought about it, if anyone did… we might have figured it out in time. But, no, I was so blind, I could just punch myself in the face for it. All those things that were unclear about him, got perfectly clear once I've heard what he was. That’s why he never liked to talk about his past. That’s why Bertholdt was so desperately stuck with him. They were bounded by the terrible secret, terrible mission, and terrible roots. 

Years after my parents died, I still blamed myself for staying alive. I even told Reiner about my guilt, about my feelings. He seemed like he understood me, and now it only feels like another big lie. He was wearing a mask – well, a few of them, actually… one of a soldier, one of a friend, one of a comrade… and one of a lover who deeply cared about his Lotte. His dear Lotte, his “sunflower” and his “bird”. 

I feel disgusted just when I think about us… about his face, his breath, his touch, his words. I am numb, I am emotionally shallow, and ever since I found out that he was the mass slaughterer, I couldn't bring myself to look at my own reflection in the mirror. That’s what he did to me. 

Deep down, I knew I still loved him under all those layers of hatred… but I wanted to change that. Desperately. I grew to hate myself in the end, but it wasn't my fault, it was his. Everything he claimed to love, everything I was before… made me nauseous now. He was a liar, a traitor, and I will get him for what he did to humanity… and for what he did to me. I doubt I will be able to defeat him, though, I doubt anyone ever will. Eren couldn’t in his Titan form, and he was our strongest weapon… so, how could I? I just know that any option I can take against him, I will. I have to. 

My mother’s words carved deep into my soul, and every time I couldn't get a hold of myself, or wasn't able to do something, I would just recall her voice.

“Be a brave girl now, Lotte…”

I wish I was stronger. More determined. More powerful. Sometimes, I even wished I was God almighty himself, so I could crush him and throw him in Hell for eternity. 

“You are the only one who can take care of yourself now. Survive”.

I still hear those words, before all my missions, and I am encouraged by them. Especially when my tasks get this difficult. Ezra’s plan was crazy indeed - it was a suicide, and I wasn't even sure I will be able to go through with it. But I had to. For my own sake, and in a loving memory of my parents. 

“I know I ask a lot. It’s probably the biggest thing I’ve ever asked of you to do, and I know it will be hard. Painful, even,” Corporal Schwarz stated. “But, I need an answer now, Lotte.”

I looked at her. I wanted to say how ridiculous the idea was, how impossible it seemed. I will lose my life in vain… but I was ready to do so. I didn't have anything other left to lose anyway. Besides, many strange things happened to us all until now, I might even contribute to humanity somehow. 

“Do you think you can do it?” Corporal asked me again. This is it, there's no going back.

“I… I think I can,” I said. She wasn't convinced.

“Let me rephrase that. WILL you do it, then?” This time, it only took me a second.

“Yes. I will. I… I will, Corporal.” Ezra Schwarz smiled. 

“Good girl.” With that, she showed me to the table, where the soldiers were expecting us to start the card game. For tomorrow, we will play something completely different.


	3. The Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She only did what needed to be done.

Warning: Strong language and possible spoilers. 

PART 3 

We were scouting the territory for days, moving on horses, divided in three smaller groups. Corporal Schwarz led the frontal one, which went first, early in the morning. Lieutenant Colonel Fitzgerald led the middle one, which followed the first group several hours later. Cadet Albert Holbein led the last group, and they went on mission in the late afternoon, hours later than the previous one. We were all supposed to meet around the lake Trainen at some point. 

Naturally, I was in Ezra’s group. She always kept me near, but I am not fooling myself that was just out of devotion or protection. She was a very practical woman, she wanted to both protect me, but also to keep an eye on me… and that was fine. I liked being around her, because she made me feel confident about myself, my skills… and useful in operations. I hope this time it doesn’t get different.

Other members of West Unit who accompanied us this time were cadets Brett Eldermann, Collin Eichel, Hannah Schneider, Anastasia Landers, and Wilhelm Wagner. After nearly a week of long search, we managed to get fresh leads thanks to Collin and Brett, who were best trackers among us. Ezra was specific about three things: first, we needed to stay as invisible and un-noticeable as we can, to try to catch him off guard. Second, if we run into him… we still need to act faster than him and stop him from transforming into a Titan - by any costs. Third… if he does shift, we strike fast and hard, in teams of two and three, aiming for his weak spots, where his skin isn’t hardened. (Hanji Zoe, Mikasa Ackermann and Armin Arlert conducted this information). 

The Armored Titan did have weak spots, after all. We needed to act fast and slice them… that is, before he crushes us into bloody stains. What was really bothersome, was the fact that we couldn’t do anything if there were only seven of us. In case Reiner’s Titan surprises us, we needed to shoot red flare-guns, and give our position to other groups (who kept scouting relatively close to ours) and they would rush and gather to help us. Before they arrive, we need to stay put, and distract him, by moving on our horses, or via 3DMG. We would attack only if cornered, at least, until one of other other teams arrive (Christiana’s group was to send three members to inform Commander Erwin about it too). 

Therefore, everything comes down to speed, our organization in teams, and individual groups. But that was the worst-case scenario. Brett and Collin wanted to believe they‘d find him before he realizes we managed to approach him. We needed an insane amount of luck with this task, but again… we needed it in any mission. I am just wondering how many people will die this time. Is it going to be me? Ezra, maybe? 

“Look at this. Human footsteps, all over here, must be at least two days old,” Brett pointed out. We were deep into the Titans’ territory, so it was highly unlikely it was a fellow human. Or a soldier. We don’t get off from our horses unless we absolutely have to. My heart was beating abnormally fast. We were definitely getting closer, and I felt more nervous than ever. 

“Check those once more, Brett. Maybe it’s a false lead. We can’t risk going in circles. Hannah, go with him.” 

Those two obeyed Ezra’s order. Meanwhile, Collin got back to us, riding his horse. I felt uneasy, anxiously expecting to hear the news. He got down, took a big sip of water… and reported.

“The Forest of Giant Trees is clear, I’ve just spoken with Albert. His group researched it three times, but Braun’s nowhere to be found.” 

When I heard it, I felt… confused. My first reaction was disappointment, for sure… but also, a shade of relief. Why did I… feel relieved? I was horrified by myself, actually. The part of me that still feels for him, it needs to be shut off. I fight for humanity. I am a soldier. The Reiner Braun I loved once has disappeared forever, just like he never existed. Or like… he died. The part of him that loved me was just for the show. It was never real. He created his soldier persona… as an alter ego, his other self, just to fit better in humanity’s ranks. His ‘soldier’ persona loved me… and it was the most beautiful lie I could ever believe in. His ‘warrior’ persona, his true self, ruined me completely. I must keep myself together… not to allow my crazy emotions to get a hold of me. 

“We are lucky the sun is almost set. That freak won’t be able to shift in the nightfall… will he?” Wilhelm asked abruptly. He expected me to answer him, like I knew something he didn’t.

“I’ve read reports from Castle Utgard mission, where the survivors stated they fought Titans during night. That could be either because they were led by the Ape Titan, or because it was bright moonlight (full moon) which substituted the Sun. Or, that group of Titans was different comparing to those we fought before. We can’t tell for sure,” Corporal said. “Be prepared for the worst.” 

“I wish Corporal Levi was here,” Anastasia sighed, “he managed to defeat Female Titan all by himself. He captured Hoover. He is unbeatable.” Ezra gave her one sharp look, as if she was offended, but said nothing. She never discussed anything regarding Corporal Levi. 

Well, I guess she didn’t really like him, he is way too serious and difficult to socialize with. The other soldiers told me he gave her a hard time during her training days, so, I think I wouldn’t like him much either in her place. 

“Weeell, I don’t. We have our warrior-goddess Corporal, why would we need that shorty?” Collin said cheerfully, flashing a big, bright smile to her. 

“I am just saying… well… we could use him, as… you know, additional help… I didn’t mean to…” Anastasia wanted to correct her statement, half-embarrassed by her words, but the other half meant everything she said. We needed someone as strong and crude as the Lance Corporal. He truly was the humanity’s strongest. 

We set a camp in the nearest area with lot of trees, in case Titans show up. Our horses were tied to the nearest boles, and we gathered around two small lanterns to play cards again. Ezra kept winning, to Wilhelm and Anastasia’s disappointment. Collin was very close to her, but she somehow seemed to have the upper hand every time. I went from extremely good to extremely lousy. 

“Admit it, Corporal, you were cheating!” Anastasia accused her in the end, losing her patience. 

“What are you saying, dear girl? I would never,” Ezra smiled.

“You were cheating, it’s not possible to be that good at cards!” Wilhelm agreed.

“I am a gambler for the longest time, and when the gambling is a way to gain things, I get best at it,” she wasn’t modest at all. “The luck is a big part of the game, but it’s very important to know how to play your strongest cards, as well as those which seem to be weak.” She gave her explanation. “It's important to study your opponents, to decide the right time, and you always, always need to have a trump card.” She handed me the "Joker". My eyes widened.

She once told me she was an orphan, who grew up in the Underground District. She was raised by thugs, so, she did know how to cheat, actually… but no one was able to prove it. We played again, for what seemed to be hours. The moon appeared on the night sky, and it was pretty beautiful night. What a pity we were on a suicide mission. 

In the middle of a game, Wilhelm suddenly stood up, as if he heard something. Everybody dropped their cards, and pulled up their blades. Something was coming from the nearest forest. 

The red flare appeared on the sky. The second one responded from a certain distance. The warning signs from Brett and Hannah that our target was approaching us. He must have noticed Christiana’s scouts and is coming toward us. He knows about us. He knows we are here, and that we were spying on him. And he is coming. 

“Lotte,” Ezra called softly. I fixed the straps on my boots, checking my equipment. 

“I know, Corporal. I know,” I said. It’s not time to get emotional, I have to stay focused. 

“He shifted! He will be here any moment!” Anastasia screamed, holding her hilts tightly. We all saw it… fifteen meter class, approaching in full speed, like a giant demon descended from Hell itself. I can’t… I can’t go through this chaos… this madness…

“Everyone, on your horses! We need to intercept it, and lure him to Albert!” Corporal ordered. The rest of the team was unusually calm, collected, they obeyed without words, getting on their horses… and so did I. I had to, or I would fall apart. We followed her, feeling the night air on our faces, the adrenaline in our veins, our collective rage and strength. Whatever happens… we need to stay together. We need to bring him down, or die trying. 

He appeared in front of us, sooner than I expected, and I froze, while my horse was rushing along with others. Green flares were shot, south-west from our place. It was definitely Gustav’s unit, and they were coming to help us. 

The Armored Titan roared, bathed in the moonlight. His armor slowed him down, but he didn’t get less dangerous because of the lack of speed.

“Turn right, Collin! Watch his steps!” Ezra warned. “Anastasia, avoid! Watch his feet! Pay attention!” 

“Corporal, we need to switch! Fast! We can’t wait for others, they are too far!” screamed Hannah, right behind the Armored Titan. She was right, I hope Ezra sees that too. We were cornered even before we begun this fight. 

Our Corporal took a moment to estimate. 

“Everyone, switch to the 3D maneuver gear!” Ezra ordered, pulling her blades while in motion. She shot the anchors from hear gear right to his right arm, and Brett and Hannah instinctively repeated her moves, but to his left hand. He violently shook Hannah off, and she almost ended up flattened on the grass, if there was no Brett to catch her in the process, rotating by his wires. 

“You son of a giant monster bitch!” my comrade shouted to my ex boyfriend, and it wasn’t even funny. Hannah was a bit shaken, but I was so glad she was all right. She quickly restored to being calm and observant, waiting for another opportunity to attack the Titan.

I couldn’t. I was staring at that thing, thinking about the breached Wall, about my mother who barely managed to get me to the ark, and who died because there was no more space on that boat. I thought about my father, who was firing cannons at this thing, who died because this monster smashed the Gate of Wall Maria. I couldn’t move because it was Reiner, somewhere deep inside, and my heart was bleeding from the pain I felt in that moment. 

“Slice him up! Everybody at once!” Ezra shouted, but The Armored Titan moved his hand fiercely, squashing Ezra’s horse in motion. It was gruesome, and it could’ve easily been her… but she reacted fast too, relocating her anchors to his shoulders, and rotated. She got down to his elbow, slicing where the flesh was unprotected, and gave him one big, deep cut. She instantly switched to his back and sliced a part of flesh under his armored shoulder. He roared, while the hot steam followed through his wounds. Wilhelm and Anastasia went for his right leg – Wilhelm got his his knee, and Anastasia got his thigh, but those cuts weren’t as deep as they were supposed to, because he was moving. He will heal, we all knew it. However, he was in pain, and that was good enough for me. If we could inflict pain into that monster, we should all at least try. 

I pulled my horse, stopping it, ignoring how my hands were shaking. I hold on to my hilts, and shot the anchor into that armor. My heart was beating so loudly, it disturbed me. I couldn’t hear my comrade anymore, their voices suddenly disappeared. My mind went blank, and I couldn’t think anymore. I reflexively pulled myself up, leaving the poor animal beneath me to go wherever it wanted to go. Ezra got up to Armored Titan’s back, once again, and his head turned for her, reaching for her wires. That’s when I pulled myself up, and sliced the flesh on his exposed torso, between his ribs and his chest. His head lowered down. Those big, glowing yellow eyes looked at me. 

He roared again, and that roar was so animalistic, so powerful it almost blew me away from my spot. His hand reached for me, but Collin intervened, pulling me away from the harm’s way. But, Wilhelm got in Titan’s way in that very moment, slicing his other knee, and we all watched in horror how that giant foot moved, pulling the wires of our poor comrade… and crushed him into the ground before stepping on him. It was brutal, it was messy, and I couldn’t get those cracking sounds out of my head. The image of a fellow soldier, shattered into pile of blood and bones, will never abandon my mind - as any other violent image wouldn’t. I have to live with that, as short as it may be, but live knowing this happened to Wilhelm. 

I shot my anchor to monster’s neck this time, feeling how the rage fills my body. I rotated on my wires again, digging another set of blades into that monster’s uncovered flesh, around his collarbone. What a pity the nape of his neck was fully covered by his thickened skin. I think we actually could manage this giant bastard only if it wasn’t so well protected. 

The Armored Titan turned his torso in another quick and violent movement. We were all in one big mess, holding onto our wires as hard as we could. Brett bumped into Hannah, cutting into her arm accidentally. Collin held me, guarding me from dropping down by holding my string. Anastasia almost fell off this time, holding only to one wire. She whistled loudly to summon her horse. I watched her in sheer panic, fearing for myself as I slid down too, but wasn’t in such a bad position as she was. The animal got closer, and Anastasia jumped. I screamed, closing my eyes. When I opened them, she was on her horse, holding her twisted, broken leg… in pain, and bleeding, but she was alive. She was riding along us, avoiding the Titan, but keeping close, in case she should help someone else. She was so brave, I almost envied her. 

Large amount of blood was falling from Hannah’s wound. 

“Soldier, withdraw!” Ezra warned her to move before Reiner’s arm moved again. He almost smashed her against his torso, but she left her spot and Titans eyes turned at me again. He was there, he recognized me, he watch me struggle, and battle him, useless to his power, but determined to put him down any way I could. He saw the rage, the pain. And he saw me crying. He saw hot tears, running down my face, messing me up even more. I didn’t sob or moan or anything, but… 

“Reiner!” I yelled, from the bottom of my lungs. My heart tore again, and I couldn’t hold my scream of desperation. He was the one who froze, this time. That giant body didn’t move for a split second, as if he hesitated for a moment, trying to grasp my behavior.  
I pulled out blades from his neck, revealing more steam from his flesh… he opened his mouth and I felt the chill down my whole body. It was so monstrous, so… enormous, being this close to his head. I am so close to being devoured. By Reiner. 

“Deserter, and traitor Braun! You, hereby, are under arrest for your crimes against the humanity, and your fellow soldiers in the Scouting Legion!” Ezra appeared on his nose, from the top of his head, and dug the set of parallel blades deep into his eyes. His roar blown her away from his face. She dragged me along, we all felt him collapsing under us, going down to one of his knees. I expected rampage. We all did, it was only natural. This is it this is where and when we die. Brett was holding to his gear, hoping to change something. He was always a stupid fool, he always expected the best, always remained optimistic… my God, we will all die… 

Reiner moved again, blinded, reached for something… for someone… he caught Collin and pressed him in his fist, crushing his ribs.

“Stop it, you sick bastard!” Ezra was blinded by rage. She sliced his arm again, but he only twitched, already restoring one eye via regeneration. He looked where she was and swung his fist at her. 

“Reiner! That’s enough! Can you hear me?” I screamed, desperately. Ezra evaded his punch. The ground smashed beneath his palm. 

“They are coming for you, the South Unit, the East Unit, the rest of my Unit… please, stop! I can show you how to escape them all! I know the entire plan, and I will tell you how to avoid them!” 

“Liselotte Metzger! Shut your fucking mouth! Don’t you dare to jeopardize this mission!” she screamed at me, looking completely furious. Her blades turned towards me.

“I am sorry, Corporal… I can’t… let him kill anyone else…” I am doing this for you all, don’t you see? 

“Lotte, don’t!” Anastasia yelled. 

“Little bitch! Wilhelm was right about you!” Collin added.

“Reiner, for God’s sake, let him go. Let them go! This doesn’t have to end this way! Take me instead, and I will lead you to your freedom! You know I can!” I said, ignoring him.

Reiner’s hand squeezed Collin to the breaking point. 

“I was supposed to lure you out, to make you indecisive because you knew me from before. But, you aren't soldier anymore, I am well aware. You don't have any feelings toward me so I am useless. You are warrior, and all I can do now is... tell you what I know, so you can spare them. They are intending to capture you via cannon arrow-projectile mechanisms, like they did with Annie! I can show you how to avoid them! But in exchange, I want you to spare them!” Don’t kill Collin. Just don’t kill Collin…

“Reiner! Decide!” I shouted again, feeling so utterly helpless. 

“You are deemed deserter, Metzger,” Ezra said sharply. She pointed her anchors toward me, looking me in the eyes. “You are worthless to humanity now, and you will be executed on spot.” 

She shot her gear straight to me, without any hesitation. You could so easily kill human with 3DMG, you just had to decide. I raised my blades to defend myself... but that giant hand intervened. He protected me, saved me from Ezra’s rage. He took me in his hand and lifted me high in the air. 

“Everyone, the mission is aborted! Withdraw! Mission is aborted! Retreat!” my Corporal shouted. Everyone obeyed again, trusting her with their lives. Whistles were heard everywhere, and horses started gathering for their masters. Ezra took mine.

“This is not over, you selfish, whiny brat. I will hunt you both and destroy you, for I always have a trump card. Remember that!” she yelled. Brett shot two grey flares into the air, signalizing to the nearest group to fall behind. That mission was cancelled. That humanity failed once again. 

And now… I am stuck with the monster I was most afraid of. Well done, Lotte. Well done.


	4. The War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's a warrior, after all...

Warning: Strong language and possible spoilers. 

PART 4 

The Armored Titan run again. He held me between his fingers, using both of his hands to make some sort of cage for me, but also a protection. I could’ve fallen many times if he didn’t held me that way, and besides… he was moving too fast. Have I fell off, it would be the end of me. I held tightly to his thumb, afraid of losing balance. 

“Turn right. Gustav’s Unit is near, you still need to dodge his people,” I warned him. We were moving through another forest. I’ve decided to keep my mind preoccupied by the landscape, by silhouettes of threes and mountains, by the river which flew along. The soldiers will avoid him now, he is too dangerous… and their cover was blown by me. The entire plan failed because I told Reiner I’d show him the way out.

I tried to convince myself there was no other way. That I betrayed them for their own good. If only Ezra was here to help me go through this… but it wasn’t possible. I am all alone now. 

He was running, and I was wiping the tears off my face. I tried to breathe normally, but something heavy kept blocking my airflow. It was fear. Or guilt. Or sorrow. Wilhelm died. Everyone else would. I had to do this, I don’t know how, or to what end… but I had to. 

I told him where to go next. We were still relatively close to the lake Trainen, but I was sure that all the soldiers withdrew with their commanders, after those flares which Brett shot in the sky. It was a sign of failure. I failed them all, on purpose. 

The Armored Titan listened to my instructions, and there were no surprises for him. No human attacked him, and he safely got to the area where no one scouted for a very long time, because there were too many Titans to handle. They were moving in groups, with few aberrant types, so it was too risky for us to just scout without engaging into battle. We were highly outnumbered, so we left that part of the territory almost unexplored. 

It appears that Reiner fought them all and drove them away… or even killed them, since I didn’t notice a single body lying around. Usually, the Titans stay immobile in the night time, during to the lack of sunlight… but they are still visible. Present. But not in here. 

Areas that were supposed to be overflowed with Titans, were now completely empty. Ezra did reconsider this possibility before, and it was a very logical thing to presume, but she dropped it due to the lack of evidence, to the lack of military people, and to the lack of information about all Reiner’s abilities. To conclude something that big, we needed solid information. Facts. To gain those facts, we needed Commander Erwin, and the whole Scouting Legion Formation. It was as simple as that, really, but the supreme commander had to deal with bigger things, regarding the Walls. 

To conclude, Reiner was indeed hiding into the safest place for him, and into the most unsafe place for humanity. All those large group of Titans… were either killed by him (and Bertholdt, before they separated), or moved somewhere else (which was less likely). He could kill them all easily, and get away without a scratch. It pissed me off. He was overpowered. 

He slowed down, like he was searching for something. Then, his arms lowered, and he got me to the ground. I’ve barely felt the grass under my boots when the Titan’s body fell down, heavy hitting the soil next to me. He reached for his neck, broke the armor on his back, removed the flesh underneath… and revealed it’s host before it started devaporising. 

Reiner emerged from the beast, separating himself from the large mass.

My God… Reiner. I pressed my mouth with my hand, suppressing a sob. He was semi-conscious, and disorientated. I was standing there, petrified, lost, unable to act strong. This is your chance, girl. You can strike him now, and it’ll be over. He won’t kill anybody else, won’t harm other humans, only if you get your blades, and slice him. If you go for his neck while he is still human… you might even do it. Two, or three quick moves, and you will wake up from this nightmare. Come on. I approached him, pointing my blades in his direction. My legs were shaking. My fingers too. 

Be a brave girl now, Lotte…

“Do you really think you can hurt me with that, soldier?” he asked, suddenly aware. The first thing he said to me after such a long time. After his betrayal. After everything I’ve been through… this is what he points at. That he is much stronger. That I can never harm him. Nobody can, even without Bertholdt at his side. And he exults because of it.

He stood up, in his full height, looking down on me. His voice sent shivers down my spine. His eyes weren’t kind, as I remembered - they were sharp, with a kind of sarcastic look inside them. He was mocking me. He seemed vicious, so unlike Reiner whom I fell in love with. 

“No… not really,” I admitted. “But I can keep trying.” My blades were dull, damaged from the slicing. I needed to sharpen them, or change them, but both things were unlikely to happen now. My gas supplies were low too, so my 3DMG was pretty much useless against him. 

“I will engage in combat with you, if that’s what it takes. Don’t make me,” he warned. He was better than me in close combat, in martial arts. Far better than me in everything, and I knew it. 

“It’s just another corpse on your pile. Don’t refrain for my sake,” I said, furiously looking at him. Part of his Titan flesh was still… glued to his face. It slowly faded from his skin, changing, leaving the smooth surface. 

“I wouldn’t, if you were the enemy. But now, you are just a fugitive… like me.” He took a few steps closer to me, confronting me. 

“That might be the truth… but, at least I am not a mass slaughterer, and a killer!” I screamed at him in rage. “Are you even aware… of what you…”

“You must be feeling so… noble,” he interrupted me, now completely serious, “so just, and righteous. But how does it feel to betray your whole squad, even when it’s for the higher purpose?” 

He was in front of me, just within the range of my blades.

“It… hurts. Like any other betrayal. But mine is different to yours. I did it to protect everyone, and you did it to destroy us all. Or to obtain… Eren’s power, I don’t know anymore, and it doesn’t really matter. But look where it got you.”

He slashed his fist onto my blade, and the blood flowed. He didn’t even twitch. It was a pure demonstration of power. “Don’t act like you know everything, ’cause you know a shit about me.”

“That’s because you are a fake. A liar, and a monster. Don’t come any closer, or I…” I panicked. What could I do? Dull or not… those blades can still cut human flash, even when it regenerates as quickly as his did. I can try, but…

“You will do… what exactly, Liselotte?” he raised an eyebrow. Liselotte. He called me like that only when he was very serious or angry. He apparently knew things would never be the same between us, therefore he couldn’t afford to call me by my nickname… or by any other sweet lie he used to tell me. Instead, he continued: 

“You are hurt. You are disoriented. It’s the middle of the night and you have nowhere to go. Remember? Besides, without me to carry you around, you won’t be able to last a day this deep in Titans’ territory.”

I lowered down my blades, putting them into their places. The moon disappeared behind the dark, thick clouds. The smell of air got sickly sweet, and wasn’t as dry as it’s been moments ago. Oh no… it’s going to rain - if not tonight, than tomorrow for sure. This was not supposed to happen. 

“Maybe I don’t want to last at all,” I said.

“Well, you will have to,” he responded. “Come.” He moved past me, leading the way.

“The Hell I will!” I shouted. 

“Do it, or I will reconsider my decision.” He will kill on sight, yeah, I know. So, I followed him around the lake’s coast. He led the way between rocks, huge rocks which shaped the whole hill. I had to watch my step as I went down. Reiner showed me an entrance to a cave. I would never have noticed it if he hadn’t pointed it out. The passage was a bit narrow, but we went through… and we went through the darkness. I couldn’t see a thing. I tripped, and almost fell… and not just once. I cursed. 

“Here,” he pulled my arm, because he knew I would never take his willingly. He kept walking, balancing me in the process. When we reached deep enough, Reiner pulled a pack of matches out of his pocket, and light up a fire from the pile of wood he must’ve previously gathered. It lighten up the space we were in, and I recognized some of the things on the ground. The survival equipment for soldiers. A sleeping bag, a skinful (full of water), 3DMG (certainly stolen from a dead soldier), some matches, a knife, two light flares, a bit of petroleum and something that looked like… well, a skinned and roasted deer. He was hunting for food, as it seems, but I just can’t tell in which form. 

“Take it off,” he told me, sitting in front of the fire. 

“Ex… excuse me?” 

“Your equipment. Take it off. It’s useless now anyway.” 

Well, he’s got a point. I did take off my straps and my weapon, but I kept my uniform and my boots. Girl needs her boots, especially when she is on the run. I sat next to him, hugging my knees, watching the flame. 

“Have some water, you must be exhausted,” he broke the silence first, offering me a skinfull. This reminded me of some of those moments we shared during the trainee days. It stung, deep into my heart, and twisted it’s way through. I felt that his kindness could literally kill me now, because he reminded me of the man I loved so much. But, those memories need to stay buried. This was a monster, wearing human face. So, I shook my head. I didn’t need anything from Reiner Braun.

“Suit yourself,” he said, and took a sip himself. The thunder rumbled through the sky, echoing in the cave. Soon, the rain followed, drenching everything outside. It will be impossible for Units to scout in this storm, meaning, it will get more difficult to catch up with us. God, I almost wished they caught us already. 

“Thirsty from killing much?” I said, looking how his adam’s apple moved as he was drinking. He stopped, giving me a sharp gaze. 

”I hate you,” I whispered. “I really hate you.” 

“I assumed you would. That’s why I couldn’t tell you. Ever”, he admitted, like that would solve anything. My head was heavy, my arms and legs hurt, and I felt I could cry forever.

I just… didn’t want him to see. But I couldn’t hide it either. He would always remark how bad I was at hiding my feelings or when I tried to lie to him. He saw right through me, every time I tried. 

“I knew something about you wasn’t right. That you were too perfect to be true. But I could never imagine it was something so horrid, so… terrifying!” I didn’t look at him anymore. I couldn’t. 

“You lied to me. I don’t even… I don’t know who you really are. I never did, but I fell for you. You were the best thing in my life when you were… the exact opposite of what you are now. Why did you do it?” I asked, wiping another tear from my cheek. “Was it… to make a better cover? To infiltrate humans further? To pretend you were normal, when you… when you…” I crushed, sobbing. I buried my hand in my face, crying all over again, and he let me. I needed this, to empty this sorrow… and he seemed to realize it too. 

“Aren’t you going to say anything? Anything at all?” I screamed. I needed him to explain. I needed him to justify himself, in any way he wanted, just… to defend his reasons. Because, I could handle anything besides this awful silence, and this agonizing ignorance. 

“We… me, Bertholdt, Annie… we are… all short-lived mass murderers, Lotte. Aside from us… who’ll ever understand?” his voice was soft. 

His eyes didn’t seem evil anymore, they were… tired. He had never been closer to me, and never more distant than in that moment. I wanted to hug him, to comfort him, but it will never be an option for me anymore. Like the whole life passed since we were together… for the both of us. 

“I wanted to know. I still do. I need a reason! I need to know why… you did what you did. Why you destroyed all those lives, without even blinking! I want to know why… you deceived me…” 

“I was… young when they told me what my mission was. I had to obey, Lotte. We all had to,” he said, almost apologetically. “We were all children when we were given our tasks. They trained us to be warriors. We were supposed to bring the Wall Maria down… and it was just the matter of time before we got into the Wall Rose and Sina. We didn’t question our doings, we just followed the orders…”

“It d-doesn’t justify you! W-why didn’t you b-bring all the Walls do-down then? Why d-didn’t you relieve me of the pain I carried for s-so long… the pain of sur-surviving my parents… the guilt of being alive?! I would’ve never… found out about you! If you did what you w-were supposed to… I might… n-never… felt t-this miserable!” I was sobbing, hugging myself tightly. I would be dead. I would’ve at least found some piece, and never met this…beast. The beast heavily sighted. 

“We didn’t have full control over our transformations yet. We had to lay low, to gather our strengths. It was hard to shift then, it was a bigger risk and it took all our willpower to change. It also took a great deal of time to master it. We… had to grow stronger and manage our shifts better. Also, we had to keep a low profile…”

“Just sh-shut up! I don’t want to know. I hate you… all… so, so much…” 

“…because our race is threatened,” he finished his last sentence. What the…

“Do you even hear yourself?!”

“Trust me… it is. Humans created titans in the first place, and it was humans who made the Ape Titan, the biggest threat of them all - for both of our races.” Reiner sounded tired, and exhausted. He seemed much older now, more wise comparing to how dumb(ish), flirty, cheerful and easy-going he previously had been. 

“It’s you, humans, who wanted to wipe us out. Well, one particular group of you, that is… because we wielded greater deal of power - and not even by our own will. None of us chose to be what we are. I am a shifter… because I was turned into one.” I was shocked by this information. It couldn’t be true… could it? 

“Human government only has Eren! No other titans, or shifters! We couldn’t harm anyone, especially since we were hiding among those Walls! You were the one who broke our shelter!”

“Like you’d know whether you really had more, you’ve been kept in the dark for your whole life,” he said, losing his patience. “Hell. This is all too much for you to accept, you can’t comprehend the complexity of it. That’s why I couldn’t tell you before, and maybe I shouldn’t now.” He got moody, like I was a brat who didn’t behave properly. (Well, at least I wasn’t a twelve year old boy who got the Wall down!)

He sliced a piece of deer’s meat with his knife, and started to eat. It smelled really good, but anything would if you were as hungry as me. He even cut off a part for me, handing it. I refused. 

“Well, don’t tell me. You will say anything to justify yourself, or your supposed cause… but many have died for it! Many more will come! Do you… feel anything at all or you are just looking… down at humans… killing them like… it means nothing…”

“It means… everything. Can’t you see, Lotte? I was among you all for too long. I’ve lost my true self to the one I created, and wanted to be him so badly. I wanted to protect you all, to sacrifice for you instead of killing you. But… Bertholdt reminded me… that we had to do what we were ordered. Our people aren’t the types who forgive easily, and nor does the Ape Titan. I was torn, Lotte. I still am.” I felt him leaning towards me. 

“Don’t you dare… don’t you dare to touch me,” I said. 

“But, I need it,” he whispered. He hugged me from behind. I felt his face next to my ear, my hair… he felt warm. He felt like… home. I was safe with him, he would never harm me, not the way he…

“Don’t,” I said again. He distanced himself. The silence got unbearable again. Heavy rain poured from the skies, making almost melodic noise. Can I really do what I have to do?

“Eat, Lotte. Drink. I need you to stay alive,” Reiner said, sounding worried. 

“Don’t pretend like you care for me, it’s over. You don’t have to act anymore.”

“I don’t,” Reiner insisted, “and it might had started like an act, but my feelings… are all genuine now.” He gave me the food, placing a small part of meat in my hand. How many times have those arms hugged me? Comforted me? I can’t even count. But he is the enemy, no matter what he says. I took the piece of roasted deer, and bit it hard, felling my tears down my cheeks. I was chewing, and chewing, and crying all the same. 

“I never thought… I would care for anyone in my squad. Or fall in love with a human girl who meant nothing. You were… just one more fool among those who surrounded me, and yet… I fell for you too. You don’t have to trust anything else, but trust that.” I dared to look at his eyes again. They were… honest this time. He wanted to open up, to finally explain everything, to share his burden. 

“I can’t,” I whispered again. “Not anymore, and not without you trusting in me either.”

I was touching my right boot, trying to fix it. It was beginning to feel uncomfortable. 

“Nothing I say will convince you to trust me again. So, why should I bother?” he asked. 

“Because you know… that deep down… I still feel for you, Reiner.” 

I’ve said it. I owed that to him, and to me, but I still couldn’t go back to being the naïve girl who closed her eyes to the painful truth.

“If you really want to know... I will tell you. I am tired of duality, tired of pretending, tired of insanity, and of this rotten... guilt.” I watched him in silence, expecting him to continue. And, after a brief pause... he did. 

“Our history is much different comparing to what you were taught here, in this cage you call your home. And I say ‘our history’, because we shifters were previously humans too. The great power appeared among humanity, a long time ago… the power which allowed Titan-transformation. It was the most powerful weapon ever created, mainly designed for the cause of battle, annihilation and war, and controlling the masses through fear and blackmailing. But that power was too much for anyone to handle, and too terrible for those who wanted to control it. Like any other weapon, it had flaws, and like any other weapon, it could be stolen, and modified. 

Some say it was the vaccine, the others say it was some kind of virus. Whatever the case, the transformation affected all the subjects in the same manner, and couldn’t be reverted. Too many people who were converted into Titans, almost devoured all other humans. It was the first big tragedy. 

Remaining humans scattered around the world, finding other homelands, or homes, and setting their bases in different surroundings, all while trying to fight back. The scientist found a way to do that… by creating a conscious Titans, using human host to navigate enormous body. It worked well, but shifters only had a prolonged time, and started acting like all other titans when transforming too many times.

The Ape is also a shifter, with the ability to control all mindless titans. Shifters are controlled by their own mind and emotions, but also by the strong goal. The strong cause and urge for a survival, the same as your kind. Humans were naive for believing the Walls would protect them. They lost the war, hid behind these Walls, setting themselves as a perfect bait for the one who controls the Ape. Shifters are short in numbers, thanks to your kind. You deserted us to save yourself. But how will you do it if you only hide and do nothing? If you all, the remaining human force, get converted by that beast... we are done for. We are all done, and my people won't allow it.

Don’t you get it, Lotte? You’ve been caged here, providing a livestock for other, mindless Titans for a whole century! You are a prisoner and you don’t even get it! You believe you are protected by those Walls, by the Wall Cult, but you are nothing more than a sacrifice. Human government had the Ape Titan, the origin of all the demise, and he is the one who will turn all of you into titans, once he finds what he's been searching for. 

There are three separate factions now. The Ape Titan is against the Human faction, and against the Shifters faction. We are not sure about all Ape's motives, but he wants revenge on all humanity which also includes shifters. Also, there is the Shifters' faction against Human faction and The Ape Titan - we pretty much despised you for being cowards, escaping us and leaving us to be experimented on. We were also furious you've managed to trap some of our strongest into your Walls, to protect you and keep you safe while we were risking our necks instead. Our faction also considers the Ape to be the natural enemy, because he wants us exterminated. As you imagine, the Human faction is against the other two, but not much aware of the seriousness of your real problem, and that's your own corrupted government, AND the Ape Titan, who happens to be a shifter itself. 

We are all at war, Lotte, whether you like it or not... and all wars require sacrifice. If I hadn't breached your sacred Wall, my people would get hurt by that monster. Like that wasn't enough, we are threaten by your people too.” 

He paused. My head spun, as the pieces of a puzzle started to fall into their places. 

“That Ape is an experiment who got out of control, and it wants to destroy everyone on its way. It wanted to destroy humans, out of revenge… they did something to it, and it wants retaliation. That also involves the Shifters, one way or another - but we truly are warriors, with warrior hearts. We do what we have to do, sacrifice what must be sacrificed, even if it means we have to be the mass slaughterers. If we have to chose between two evils... we will chose lesser.” He added. 

“So... you want to say that we are done for?” I asked. 

“No, not yet... and not if you take into consideration that Grisha Jaeger, Eren's father, happened to have the cure,” Reiner explained.

“The cure… for… for what?” For plague? 

“For stopping Titans to go completely berserk. It’s an antidote... a formula which stops humans into turning into Titans completely. Or even reverts them back. I am not sure. What I know, is that we all have our breaking points. Whenever we shift… we risk losing ourselves. Since all the Titans have humans inside them, and all those humans are hosts, who eventually lose their consciousness... their Titan overwhelms them. They are no longer themselves… unless they devour a shifter and consume it’s power, like Ymir did. That’s how she went back to being human.”

“That’s why you’ve changed your plans, isn’t it? You needed Eren’s power... to control those other Titans. And you need his father's recipe or... whatever he had before.”

He nodded. “Our faction… Shifters… won’t go down without a fight.”


	5. The Trump Card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are both loyal to their people. That's what makes them so beautifully unfortunate.

Warning: Strong language, implied lovey-dovey content and possible spoilers. 

PART 5 

We’ve spent the night in that cave. I was supposed to be sleeping in his sleeping bag, but I was under a lot of pressure and had to process much new information, so I’ve spent the bigger part of night thinking or checking up on him. He was sleeping in front of the fire, sometimes in sitting position, sometimes lying in front of it. We were both checking up on it, adding more wood to keep it up. When I saw how cold it has become, I told him he can lay next to me, but to keep his back turned. I didn’t need to see his face. He joked about me still wanting him, but I didn’t find it funny. 

Therefore, we shared warmth, back to back, and body next to other body… but that was it. No sexual implications or anything, but it felt like I am with him all over again. And I felt like I am betraying myself, but this wouldn’t be the first time. I already betrayed my people anyway. I mostly thought about his words. Wondered what he thought, and did he really feel guilt and remorse. 

“Our faction… Shifters… won’t go down without a fight.”

Of course they wouldn’t, when you think about it that way. But it doesn’t mean that their killings are justified, or that our pain is lesser just because we know why they did it. They turned on us. Out of rage, out of revenge, and who knows what else… but they turned on us, humanity, their original species. Shifters, who are also partially humans, should’ve known what despair and pain we would go through if they break those Walls… and they still did it. 

Reiner admitted they were children, that they didn’t know how it would feel until they’ve met us… he said they were even forced to do that mission… threatened… but it wasn’t enough for me. I don’t know what stronger reason I needed, but he still wasn’t justified in my mind and I doubt he will ever be. If Wall Maria wasn’t breached, I would have still had both of my parents.

The fire went down in the morning, while we both were sleeping. It was warm enough for both, so we didn’t need it. The new day started, and it was grey and cold from yesterday’s storm, like it sucked the life out of it. And I have a promise to keep. 

Reiner gave me food, and water, and we weren’t talking much as we ate. But, I needed to say something to him. I needed more answers, and I needed to see what was going on in his mind today. Because, with him, you could never know. I needed to sort some things out. 

“I know that you see us as weak, because we are small, fragile and powerless comparing to your race. You were probably brought up that way, and you’ve seen it while you infiltrated us with Bertholdt. Yes, we are weak. Both of you probably see us as insects, unable to fight back. However… it is not true. You’ve also seen what our best are like. You’ve seen what the Scouting Legion can do, and will do. You’ve known our strength, our unity and our determination, and it is not to be taken lightly… not even by those like you,” I said, now completely empty, without tears, or heightened voice. I stood up. He followed. 

“Lotte…”

“You talk about being a warrior, about your strong hearts, and ability to do whatever it takes for your homeland and your people. I can appreciate that. But, do you know what I’ve seen, five years ago? Murderers. Giants. Villains. Cowards. You didn’t seem like warriors to me, you seemed like two enormous cowards who chose to attack us while our strongest soldiers were beyond the Walls, unable to defend humanity. Cowards, Reiner, for you’ve hit us two times, both times when the Scouting Legion wasn’t there to protect us. Meaning, you chose to attack when you were sure you won’t be endangered. Meaning, you would be in danger, and that you were afraid,” I added, wanting to hit a nerve. I faced him, looking him with dry eyes, and strict attitude. I’ve cried enough already. 

“I wouldn’t call it like that,” Reiner insisted. “It was just the wisest time we could choose to set up the attack. The wisest, because there were only two of us at that point, and we were also children. We were exposed to attacks, and it sure was easier not to have the Recon Corps at our backs. Besides, it wasn’t even our idea.”

“Whose, then?”

“Our elders,” he simply responded, not wanting to reveal names or other data about his higher ups. 

“Why don’t you go back to them?” I asked. “Is it about Annie and Bertholdt? You don’t want to leave them? You can’t go to your elders with the fact that lousy humans captured your powerful allies?” 

“Stop it. It’s not like that. It’s never been simple, nor it is now… if I can say, it’s never been more difficult than it is at this moment. And not only because Bert isn’t here”.

“Why did you two separate? You never do. Is that some kind of trick?”

“What kind of trick would that be, exactly?” Reiner asked softly, putting the palm of his hand on top of my head and went through my hair, still untied into my usual ponytail. He was gentle, and warm, and broken, and he needed something to hold onto - even if that was me. He caressed my cheek, and although I wanted to slap his hand away, I couldn’t make myself to actually do it. I let him touch my hair, and I felt how the red rushed into my cheeks. 

“He was tired, Lotte. Tired of running, hiding… so he deserted our cause. We were arguing about it. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he finally rejected our orders, and decided to leave. For two simple reasons: for my inability to accept the reality, and for Annie. He wanted to go back, to help her. To release her. I told him we weren’t ready, but the fool didn’t listen. The moment he went out… the moment he left me… that midget managed to seize him. I’ve escaped only because I’ve shifted in time.” 

He looked at me, wanting to read some kind of reaction from my face… rage, disappointment, anything… but I didn’t give it. I think I couldn’t either. I already knew about how Mikasa, Levi and Eren caught Bertholdt, and how Reiner escaped. 

“I’ve heard the reports,” I said. Ezra revealed that part to me too. “You seem pretty sane to me now. How did you manage to separate your… soldier and your warrior persona in your mind?” 

“To be honest… Bert helped with that. We were on the run for a long time, I’ve had to figure it all out eventually… so I did. He talked to me a lot, and helped me to separate events or memories, for they all started to emerge, or disappear. I was in chaos, but Bert… was there for me. When I finally did it… accept it all, both parts… I don’t remember I felt more miserable and more guilty my entire life.” Reiner didn’t look at me this time, he lowered his head down, looking at his feet. 

“I was disgusted by myself, of how proud of myself I was before… what a brat I’ve been. What I had to do, and was made to do. You don’t know… you can’t know how difficult it is to bare. How hard it is… to accept that you are a hero to some, and destroyer to the others. To be a traitor and the righteous one, it was more than I could cope with. Bert didn’t try as hard as I did. He is more honest than me, he never really lied others that he was a friend or… that he is close to others. Annie either. I did. I wanted to be accepted, to be loved, and admired… but being a monster I really am, I was aware it was only a way to blend into with all the other soldiers. And I’ve almost lost myself to it, for it felt right and honorable, and easier to be than being a … warrior. When I finally re-grasped my true identity, I’ve realized… how wrong I was. How deeply… ashamed… and defeated I was. But what I was the most ashamed of… was of how I hurt you. My little bird, my sunflower. My Lotte…”

His voice broke in the end. That tall man broke right in front of me, not crying, but holding the tears, not sobbing, but his voice heavy with remorse and pain, faded into air under the weight of the load he carried. And I selfishly believed I was the only one who suffered this entire time.

All Gods, and humanity, and everybody else could curse me, a million times too… but I went into his arms and hugged him tight, burying my head into his chest. 

“I am sorry,” he whispered, hugging me tight too. “I am sorry…” 

And he had no idea how sorry I was too, for unknown reasons to him. I was truly sorry, but I am firstly human, and then everything else. 

“What you told me… you can tell to others too. You can redeem yourself, by surrendering to the Scouting Legion. You could make things… well, not right, but better for humanity. We don’t have to be the enemies,” I tried to convince him nicely. 

“We aren’t, since you aren’t with the Recon Corps anymore. Besides… I still have a mission to do. My own faction can’t trust me, because of Bertholdt and Annie, and my crazy feelings and my messy head… so they told me they will test my loyalty, by sending me to catch Eren once again.”

He can’t really think they will just… disregard his actions if he brings Eren to them. 

“You can’t be serious. He is well guarded, inside Walls… your people practically showed you to us, to kill yourself by chasing the impossible goal! Eren… Eren is our friend, and is highly valuable to humanity! You can’t really mean to go after him, after all! You said it yourself, you were sorry you did all those horrible things… you…” 

“I am. But after all… I am a shifter. I have to put my people first, no matter what.”

“Even if it means… leaving Annie and Bertholdt? Leaving… me, again?” 

He sighted. “You are a fugitive, Lotte, we are the enemies to your Unit no matter what we say or do anymore. Your Corporal tried to kill you. The whole world you live in wants me dead. Remember? I can’t be redeemed, all I can do, is listen to my orders and hope to survive,” he reminded me, taking his knife, putting it onto his belt.

“I am sure I can talk to my commander and reason with her. I was bitter, and angry with you… and honestly, I still am. I don’t know how much time I need to forgive you, but I want to believe I will, some day. You explained your behavior, your mission, your feelings and your people to me, and if I could understand, I am sure she can too. Besides, you know more than any human in those Walls, you’ve seen more things than anyone in my world ever did, and you can be useful. You can help us! We still can fix things and work together!” I said. Reiner shook his head. 

“I can’t be at good terms with humans. Ever again. You know it. I am the Armored Titan, the beast, the slaughterer, and that’s all I ever be. I will never be forgiven for, and you know it.” 

“Surrender, Reiner, I beg you.” I wanted him to do that, so hard. With all of my heart.

“I am sorry, Lotte, but I can’t. Eren is crucial to my people.” He was determined, to the point I wanted to scream in despair. Do you even know what you are saying now? 

“I might have been a soldier too, a protector, and a fighter… but it doesn’t mean I am safe to be around to. For both humans and shifters, you know. Humans will never accept me, but I can make amends with my faction. The problem is… I still go to one or another personality from time to time… and I can’t risk betraying anyone again. And if I go back behind Walls… I might do it.” I’ve held his head up with my fingers, making him to look me in the eyes. 

“You won’t. I know you won’t.” 

I don’t know who started it, him or me… but in the next moment, we were kissing. It was an impulse, I didn’t even think about it, I just did it. I went with the flow. His hands closed around my waist, lifting me up. It was passionate, it was so hard to resist. His lips, his arms, him. He wanted me, I wanted him, but we are on opposite sides… again. I can’t do this… I… I can’t.

He lowered me on the sleeping bag, he was kissing me, and caressing me… and he started something I never thought I’d do once more. I can’t. I mustn’t. 

“I know you will never harm anyone again…” I whispered, as he got down to my neck. I don’t know if he even heard me. The tears run down again, I couldn’t withhold them. I was in pain. I’ve never had a harder mission in my entire life, and Ezra was right. I’ve reached for my boot and pulled something from the inner strap. It was a syringe, wrapped in double layer of cloth to prevent the glass from shattering, tied to my calf. It was the one Ezra gave me before the mission - the night before, when she asked me if I will accept this task. Well… I did. I must do this. For my own race.

“Because, my people… won’t go down without a fight either,” I said.

I’ve put the needle in the nape of his neck and pushed the top down, releasing the content into his system. He jerked when he felt the sting. He rose. 

“What the… Hell… did you do?” he reached for the sting, but once the drug got into his organism, it started to work. He managed to stand up, but he staggered. He turned to the exit of the cave, estimating if he should run or not.

“You won’t make it,” I warned him. Reiner Braun smiled. I imagined him telling something as: “I am the Armored Titan after all,” but he wasn’t as cocky as I thought he would be. 

Instead, he said: “I figured. Are they coming?” 

I pointed to two flares on the floor. “When I shoot them, they will. They are still scouting around the lake.” 

He really figured it out. I never betrayed my unit, it was all staged up by Ezra Schwarz, and the first group. Wilhelm wasn’t supposed to die, though, but we all knew the risk before entering this battle. We expected casualties, but, that was our mission. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I wanted to try. This was Ezra’s plan all along, and I was her trump card. Her own, personal Joker. 

\----- back then -----

“If you want to go, I need to know that you are a hundred percent sure,” Ezra was looking through the window. The world was painted in black, grey and purplish - blue shades of night. 

“I am, Corporal! I swear!” I offered my heart, placing my fist on my chest. 

“Don’t swear onto me until you hear what I know… and what I have in mind,” Ezra warned me in advance. And I listened. 

“The Armored Titan is a shifter, yes, but he’s also just a man. And most men are simpletons, my dear… and that’s what I am going to gamble on this time.” 

She played with the Joker card in her hand. “He fell for you, a mere human girl, and that’s the best advantage I could get.”

“He… he didn’t. He faked it…”

“I don’t care if he faked it or not, I will use any card I can get to play this game, and I am going to bet on the fact that he still loves you. And what weapon is better than that to me?” Ezra asked. “You know him, and although he is a traitor and a rebel - he loved you, and that’s the one thing which makes him vulnerable in all his strength.”

“I… I am not sure I understand…”

“He is unbeatable in his titan form. We will fight him if we absolutely have to, but we will defeat him only while he is still human, like they did with Hoover. What I need from you, is to approach him when we track him. To betray me, to betray all you believe into, to make him low his guard and trust you like he once did. After you get close enough, I need you to inject something into his body.” She pulled out a small piece of cloth, wrapped around small object.

It made sense, but… the plan was… insane, to put it bluntly. 

“This needs to stay between us. Do you understand?” she asked firmly. I nodded. That’s all I could do in that moment, really. She took my hand and gave me something. She gave me small, glass syringe, with two doses of some… drug. 

“Will it… kill him?” I asked. She smiled before she responded. 

“No. It will paralyze him, restrain his muscles. He won’t be able to move, and he might lose his conscious for a while. That’s all.” 

I watched the weapon. Perfect weapon. I couldn’t believe she wants me to do it this way. 

“The others know only about the part where you need to betray us, and that’s only my group. Christiana’s and Albert’s groups don’t have to know how we are going to scout tomorrow,” she said. 

I was staring at doses. They didn’t seem powerful enough to stop the Armored Titan, even while he is still human. 

“Do you think you can do it?” Corporal asked me again. This is it, there's no going back.

“I… I think I can,” I said. She wasn't convinced.

“Let me rephrase that. WILL you do it, then?” This time, it only took me a second.

“Yes. I will. I… I will, Corporal.” Ezra Schwarz smiled. 

“Good girl.” With that, she showed me to the table, where the soldiers were expecting us to start the card game. For tomorrow, we will play something completely different. I will play the bait. 

\----- back to now -----

I am still a soldier of humanity, whether we did wrong to those shifters or not. Reiner is still the enemy, who has just declared he’d do it all over again, going after Eren, our only hope and weapon. No matter how strongly attached I was to Reiner, no matter how much I loved him… I couldn’t turn on my people. And I couldn’t convince him to come voluntarily, so I had to restrain him this way. 

“It’s a paralytic which Hanji’s team developed, by experimenting on Eren. It’s based on blue lobelia, with additional mixture of herbs. It will prevent you from shifting, by paralyzing you… and putting you in a state of comma for a while,” I told him, wiping the tears away. 

Reiner’s smile didn’t fade. On the contrary. It grew wider, as if he was content. 

“Lotte. Come on. What are you crying for? You only did what you had to do.”

“I know. I just… I…” He slid down, pressing his back onto cave’s wall. 

“It’s better this way, anyway. I am so tired… of running,” he said. 

“I am so… sorry…” I hugged him, wanting to feel him one last time. 

“Don’t be. If you were born in my homeland, you’d be deemed warrior, because that’s one Hell of a heart you have. So strong, and resourceful, and devoted to your people.” I held him tighter.

“I hate it. It only brings me sorrow,” I whispered.

“Oh, come on. Just in case you are interested, we are recruiting,” he joked. I was holding him longer than necessary. I need to do this. Last phase of her plan. Two shots, and it will be over.

“Do it,” he whispered, weakened. He closed his eyes, and I listened to his heartbeat, ensuring that he was still alive. After that, I walked to the exit, and lighten those flares into air. Soon after, the Ezra’s team found us, and my Corporal came to face me. 

Brett, Hannah and Anastasia followed her. She hugged me as soon as she approached me and I held onto her, completely devastated.

“You've been a very, very brave girl. I know it hurts. Bear with this. You are going to be fine. I promise,” she whispered. I took a deep breath, look at her, and all my comrades. 

“He is in the cave. He lost his consciousness,” I reported. “The Armored Titan fell.”

\----- epilogue -----

The carriage was moving through the city, transporting a small group of soldiers, and one prisoner. 

Reiner was blindfolded, shackled, and tied up, but he wasn’t aware of anything, because he was sleeping like a baby. I was on his right side, checking on to his heartbeat, afraid I might lose him to that drug… but everyone told me it won't be the case. 

“He is one tough bastard, you know. He wouldn’t die of something like that,” Hannah said.

“Let’s hope that he actually dies, and does us a favor. He’s one violent motherfucker, I don’t think I would survive his next greeting,” Collin cursed, holding his bandages. “No offense.”

“None taken,” I smiled. Reiner did almost squeeze him to death.

“Commander Erwin is gonna be so pissed when he hears about your little mission,” Brett smiled widely at Ezra. She rolled her eyes. 

“He won’t show it, even if he gets pissed off. Besides, I am bringing him the last, most wanted fugitive. Does he even have any right to be pissed?” she argued. 

“Well, you did it behind his back. I am sure he will at least scold you for that,” Collin added.

“I wouldn't be surprised he counted on me all this time to pull something like this off. He is one cunning bastard after all,” Ezra said.

“She just wanted to follow Lance Corporal Levi’s success. She can’t stand losing to him,” Anastasia mocked, and Ezra raised an eyebrow. 

“Very funny, Ana.” 

“Why do you dislike him so much anyway, huh?” Brett asked. “If you two combined forces, I am sure the human kind would be unbeatable.”

“I don’t dislike him, I just don’t… particularly like that shorty. Now, it’s a long way to Wall Sina, we need to pass our time. What do you say for a game of cards?” she said, pulling the pack out of her jacket’s pocket. 

“Nooooooo!” everyone responded in the same time, and we all started laughing.

I was happy to be reunited with them, happy that Collin was alive… but unhappy about Reiner. In the end, he was thrown into the Utopia District, in underground dungeons. The only thing which made me happy about this mission, is that he, at least, wasn’t executed in place. 

I was granted the permission to guard him, as ‘the famous cadet-girl who helped catch the Armored Titan’, and I’ve been keeping an eye on him ever since. He never protested, never complained, was cheerful and made jokes on how I ‘got him’. He teased me, asking for another kiss, or a hug, or what not, and he made me smile. He didn’t even hold a grudge against me. I think that he was happier I’ve managed to capture him, than if he got away and stayed an enemy. He was relieved he wouldn’t go against the humanity once more, and his imprisonment was an excellent excuse for his elders. 

He will have a trial, of course, and so will Bertholdt and Annie, and we will see what further use we could have of the famous titan trio. He is still alive, and that’s all that matters. I don’t know how long I will love him. Maybe forever. It will probably take a long time to forgive him, though… but I will manage somehow. After all, you only get one true love in the whole lifetime.


	6. Birthday Present - extra chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little side story, based on my "Warrior Heart" series.

WARRIOR HEART - EXTRA CHAPTER - birthday theme  
by galateabellator, Aug 30, 2014, 7:02:48 PM  
Literature / Fan Fiction / Romance

WARRIOR HEART - EXTRA CHAPTER – THE STRANGEST BIRTHDAY 

(This was my attempt of story for ReinerBraun-FanClub's contest, which is thematically focused onto Reiner Braun's birthday. And although I may have missed the deadline, I'd still like you to read it and tell me whether you liked it or not :) Thanks! :) )

Warning: Possible spoilers, and don't read if you want to read WARRIOR HEART FANFICTION of mine. If you already did, then this chapter is spoiler free for you. It also contains the strong language, and sensitive themes. 

 

The last days of July have been beautiful and sunny in the world of humans. But, the summer has never been grimmer for Reiner Braun, who was captured by humanity’s soldiers and brought into the Utopia District. 

It was very dark there. He resided in the deepest cell there was, and that place was cold, and had no windows. It consisted only of three bricked walls, and a long set of bars instead of a fourth one. Bars also had a place for doors, which were opened only when cadets visited him to give him food or a vaccine which prevented him from shifting… as if he could shift this deep underground anyway. They were so damn stupid, these fools. 

But human contact meant to him, no matter how small or insignificant. After he got separated from Bertholdt, it was a hell of a thing to cope with. Besides, all humans treated him the same way… some ignored him, some were rude and aggressive to him, but some were kind, although he didn’t deserved that kindness. 

Lotte was one of those who were good to him, even after his capture. His sunny flower. His tragic little vogel, whose heart he broke the second she found out he was the Armored Titan. Nevertheless, how fragile, or girly Liselotte Metzger was… she still had a strong heart and devotion to her people, which led her to lure him and assist in his capture. She was his trap, and he walked in willingly. After all, he hurt her badly. She only set the score, and now they were even. 

He lost the track of time. He wasn’t sure about the day, or date anymore, he just knew he was bored and uncomfortable inside that stupid place. The bed was loose, and was the only part of furniture Reiner had, but that was better than being in a solitary. 

His previous cell was even worse. It was iron, and very narrow… he swore he’d suffocate had he stayed for a day longer than he’d already spent there. This time, he at least had clothes, something to eat, and the soldiers didn’t pour large amounts of cold water on him. He wasn’t even chained to the walls as he previously had been. Now, he was able to move on his own - a courtesy provided by his capturers after his good behavior… and a courtesy Lotte obtained through her connections. 

She guaranteed for him. She asked her superiors to let him walk around his cell and she swore she’d constantly supervise him, so they wouldn’t have to worry about him breaking through, escaping, or anything like that. She said she’d take responsibility for all of his actions. 

Naturally, she was denied… at first. Her valuable humans were afraid of him, and it was no wonder. He was one of the biggest threats to humanity, and proven they had a very good reason to fear him. And hate him. He was a deceiver. 

But she got to her commander, that in-famous bitch, Ezra Schwarz… who pulled her own connections to provide Lotte the right to guard him. And for that, he was grateful, even to a cunning, despicable woman who led the West Unit, and who set Lotte to realize her vile plan, which brought him straight into this dungeon.

Lotte took care of him, and kept talking to him. She would even escorted him to his pre-trial hearings. But, once she went to have a rest, other cadets would come. And none of them were well - intentioned towards him. Some didn’t talk to him at all, and that was all right. Others offended him… which he took silently. The most courageous ones, however, dared to attack him physically. 

And that’s something Reiner Braun wouldn’t accept. He fought back, every time. It’s not like his sentence would reduce if he let them molest him. It will be the same no matter what. But he… just wanted to see the stars one more time, before he dies. He wanted to feel the fresh air in his lungs, and the smell of freedom in his nostrils. However, that wasn’t possible. Not for him, not anymore.

He has seen the Sun, however. Once they’d bring him to the Grand Court, where his pre-trial hearings happened, he managed to feel the warmth through the glass windows. It was comforting enough. But, he doubted he’ll see the night sky ever again. Well, he could ask for his execution to happen in the midnight, or something like that. Or so he hoped.  
Footsteps were approaching. He’s heard two persons, and first one’s steps were small and light, and a bit inconsistent. He immediately recognized Lotte’s walk, but someone else accompanied her. Someone who walked in a very different way. 

Those footsteps were strong. Confident. Silent, but noticeable. It must’ve been an authority figure. 

“This way”, Lotte lead through the broad corridor, between all other cells. 

“It’s pretty depressing here, isn’t it?” another figure asked. After a few moments, they both appeared in Reiner’s vision field.

He looked through the bars, only to find Corporal Schwarz standing next to Lotte.

“I’ve already been interrogated today, both times here, and both times by the Military Police officers. My answers won’t change, as you already know. So… are you here to torture me?” he asked defensively. The bitch had a powerful presence. He had no doubt she could easily subdue him, no matter her built or height, which seemed inferior compared to Reiner’s muscular body. But, he knew better. She was known for her capacity to inflict pain, and torment to suspicious types, and those who wronged her. After all, she was the second Corporal in command.

Lotte talked a lot about this woman, about her dealings with others. She was protective towards Lotte, and even trained her. Before, Lotte wasn’t a strong fighter. After her regimen, Lotte grew into a splendid maneuver user (she survived going on out mural expeditions for five years, and that was something unmanageable for Lotte before she enrolled into the Scouting Legion. Reiner knew it because he did his best to train Lotte, but didn’t manage to get her to be exceptionally good. Obviously, Ezra found the way).

This woman… was someone strong, and not to be fucked with. He knew that from experience. 

“Open the door. We need to hurry”, she said to Lotte, who obeyed her instantly. Reiner could tell that his ex girlfriend would blindly follow this bitch to the end of the world, if needed. He didn’t like it a bit, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

“Come, Reiner”, Lotte called, “we are taking you to see someone”. 

“Don’t try anything stupid, runner-boy”, Schwarz warned with a deadly glare in her eyes. Her blades were visible, and she was wearing 3DMG, even if they were inside the Wall Sina. That meant something – she had connections, and standard rules don’t apply to her. He also knew she was fast. One wrong move, and she will slice him up to pieces. 

So, he went peacefully, allowing Lotte to handcuff him. A formality they’d always indulge, for the sake of others who weren’t Reiner - friendly. 

\- - - - - 

They were walking the spiral case, up, and up, and up. He could tell this wasn’t a way other soldiers used much. He wasn’t a fool to assume Lotte and Ezra would set him free, or just let him go after all the trouble they’ve went to capture him. But, this was odd. They are doing something unusual… something secret. And he couldn’t tell what. 

“Climb the stairs, shifter - boy. We have a long way to go”, Ezra warned in a harsh tone.  
“It’s ok, Reiner. She won’t hurt you”, Lotte tapped his back, in a weak way to comfort him. “At least, not for now”. She added a weak smile. 

After they’ve climbed a hell number of stairs, for what seemed like eternity, Ezra Schwarz opened a wooden door before them. 

“Get in, cuirassier”, she said. He didn’t appreciate the understatement. He was a warrior. 

He entered the room. It was round, big, well - lit with an enormous chandelier (it had many, many small candles on it). It also had one of those high, medieval designed windows which were narrow and had pointed arches. There was a long, wooden table with a few chairs around it, and a few covered objects on it… nothing much. But, Reiner could tell this was some kind of observatory. It was probably the highest tower of a building they were all stationed in. He was confused. Why was he brought here, if this woman doesn’t intend to torture him? 

His heart was beating slightly faster than it should have. He was… excited. He hasn’t felt like this for a long time. 

Ezra checked outside, leaning through a window. “They should all be here by any minute now”. 

“They… who?” Reiner asked. The expectation drew him nuts. He wasn’t a patient man. Whatever they’ve planned, they better explain it now.

Lotte un-cuffed him, and led him to the window. “It’s… five minutes past midnight, and the first day of August. Happy birthday, Reiner”, she smiled broadly, and a bit shyly. 

He stared into the stars. They shone magnificently, and the view was… spectacular. He was completely mesmerized by the constellations. By the moon. By Lotte by his side, who provided him what he wanted the most, even when it seemed impossible. He inhaled the air. There was nothing better than clean, fresh, night air. He felt like running. He felt like… crying. 

He hugged the small girl in front of him. He inhaled the smell of her blonde hair, and consumed the warmth of her body. He felt safe… and he felt like home. Those were all things which he missed, and thought he would never feel again. She was hugging him back. His dear, dear vogel… 

“Thank you… Lotte…”, he said. He didn’t cry. Grown men, especially soldiers… or warriors… or whatever the Hell he was… don’t cry. He enjoyed the view for a while. Nobody was talking, for words would ruin everything. Even that crazy bitch kept silent, understanding the magic of that moment. 

“I have something for you”, Lotte said. She reached into her pocket, and pulled out a small, paper -wrapped package. “You will probably find it stupid… but I wanted you to have it”. 

Ezra crossed her arms on her chest. Reiner was sure that she knew about this all along, or she would protest, as prisoners didn’t have that right to keep personal things with them, as long as they are in custody. This was a favor… a favor from a woman whom he almost despised. Maybe he was quick to judge her. 

He took the package, and unwrapped it. It was an amulet, with a small, green stone in center of it. It was beautiful, and crafted magnificently. He couldn’t help but stare at it for a while. 

“I... I bought it so it can protect you. It’s a green tourmaline, and I was told it’s a very strong, and powerful healing stone… so I wanted you to have it”, Lotte said. 

“How did you even buy this? It must've been very expensive”, he mumbled. 

“Don’t worry about it. Do… do you like it?” she asked, worry written all over her face.  
“It’s amazing. Thank you… but I… I can’t keep this while I am…”

“Yes, you can. You are welcome”, corporal Schwarz interrupted the touchy moment. Reiner wanted to say something to her, but she just raised an eyebrow.

“It’s just a stupid stone; you can’t harm anyone with it. Well, unless you decide to throw it at someone, or swallow it, and other crazy ideas… but I don’t think you’d be that foolish”, Ezra said. 

“So, I…”, Reiner begun, watching the green stone on his palm, completely consumed by its beauty.

“You can. I give you the special permission and all that crap”, she said. She approached him, looking him straight in the eyes. 

“I am allowing all of this because of Lotte. Don’t make me regret it”. 

“I… I won’t try anything, ma’am. I wouldn’t jeopardize her in any way…”, he started, but that strange woman gave him one sharp look… before she smiled. “I know. That’s exactly why I am not reporting this ever happened”. 

“Well… thank you, ma’am”, he said, offering his hand to her. She took it, and shook it strongly. 

“Happy birthday, traitor”. She went and took something he didn’t notice before. It was put on one of the wooden chairs. Another package, but he could assume what this might be.

“We can’t have a birthday party without a cake, can we?” corporal Schwarz smiled. 

\- - - - - 

They all sat around the table, and Reiner unpacked his cake. It was a standard, ordinary cake base, with hazelnut-cream layers, and lot of grapes, strawberries and other fruits thrown in… and with vanilla whipped cream on top.

“Forgive me, I am not the best cake-maker in the world”, Ezra said, “and this was done in rush”.

“No, no… I… you are very… it’s a wonderful thing of you to do. You… are a very strange woman, you know?” he said. “I am thankful, I really am. It’s not like I ate a lot of cakes in my life, so this is… more than good for me, really. But, I wouldn’t expect… from someone like you to…”

“Oh. Don’t mistake me, I am not doing this for you. I am doing it for Lotte”, she explained, “so get of your high horse, runner-boy”.

Reiner smiled. Lotte blushed a bit. She sliced the cake and served it, since ‘those’ who should’ve been there any minute, were pretty late… whoever they were. 

So, the three of them ate in silence, and he was… content. Humbled. He would never expect this for his birthday, especially not after everything. Hell, he didn’t even know what date it was. They could’ve all lied, for all he cared… but this was beautiful. 

The strangest and weirdest birthday in his life… but beautifully done, thanks to Lotte. 

“I will go now. I expect you to keep things under control”, Ezra told her. “He needs to be in his cell before dawn. Do you understand?” 

Lotte nodded. “I will return him, Corporal. Thank you for everything”. 

“You are going?” Reiner asked. 

“Yeah. What’s the matter, titan-boy? Can’t handle your woman without me?” she grinned. 

“N-no… that’s…”

“I was joking, idiot. See ya at court”, she said, reminding him that this was a special night. AN exception which won’t be repeated for him, ever again. He’s still prisoner. 

“Lotte, see you soon”. 

“Yes. Thank you, Corporal!” 

\- - - - - 

Ezra left, but others arrived. It was Levi’s current squad, Special Operations’ Unit, led by Levi himself. Reiner didn’t expect it, at all. They were in very ugly terms when they parted last time. He definitely wasn’t expecting them to come here. Not after… everything…

The Lance Corporal approached the table, looked at Reiner in a bored way, and sat on Ezra’s spot. Lotte didn’t know whether that was a mere coincidence, or something else. He even looked at an empty plate, and a fork inside of it. Like it meant something.

Everyone else followed Corporal’s example. They all sat around the table. Eren was looking at Reiner. He was angry, but he didn’t start a fight, or anything. Jean and Armin either. Mikasa was cold, as usual, and Connie and Sasha were serious, which was unusual for them. Levi sighted. Then, he broke the silence.

“Let’s do this crap as quickly as we can”, Levi said. “God knows I’ve got better stuff to do than deal with a whole bunch of brats who want to deal with a titan brat”. 

“I… I didn’t know you are all about to arrive…”, Reiner gasped. He was very uncomfortable. 

“No, you didn’t. Now, cadet Metzger… if you would, please, start your bullshit story, we are dying to hear it”, Levi took a piece of cake, and put it in the plate in front of him. For a clean freak he was known to be, he didn’t mind using the plate and cutlery of someone before him, and that was strange. 

Lotte wasn’t offended by the midget’s language.

“Thanks for coming, comrades”, Lotte started. “I know it’s been… very unpleasant for you to come, and that some of you are still reluctant about this… but I wanted to do something special today. I wanted to make you all confront this man… as I did… and to try to make amends”.

“Amends?” Eren whispered, gritting his teeth. 

“Eren…”, Armin called, “… we have talked about this”.

“Yeah. We have. But I can’t believe you thought this will work, Lotte!” Eren rose, and the tension had already started. 

“But you came, didn’t you? It means… there’s still hope for all of us to try to reconcile”, she said. How naive she was sometimes… Reiner almost forgot about that feature of hers. 

“I came because I wanted to see him behind bars”, Jean said. “The bastard threw titans at us! He almost killed us all! Commander lost his arm, and…”

“Let the bygones be the bygones, Jean. We’ve heard their story… his, and Bert’s, that is. We know they were blackmailed and forced to do all those things… and that they are willing to cooperate and help the mankind, to atone for their doings. Can’t you just… try to get along? Just for tonight?” 

What she meant, was… could they forgive him before he dies. Before the military decides the exact moment of his death. She was kind to do so, but…

“I have sinned. Against all of you. I don’t expect you to forgive me, nor I hope for it. But I want to tell you… that I am sorry. Truly sorry, and if I could bring the time back, I would. But, I can’t. in this remaining time, I would try to stay the soldier I once was. Try to be the friend I once was… to all of you. But I know there’s no point. No going back. I am what I am, and I did what I did. And although I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I will ask for it because I did terrible things. They are heavy, on both my conscience, and my heart. I can’t carry them anymore. My burden is terrible, and I have to deal with it every single day until my death. So, I am sorry. Sorry… it’s a small word. It seems insignificant, but believe me… I mean it deeply. I am willing to let you execute me this moment, if that pleases you. I won’t lift a finger to defend myself”, he said, and every word came from heart. 

“You… you are a fool, Reiner Braun”, Sasha said, her eyes filling with tears, as she swallowed the last part of her piece of cake. 

“You are such a damn fool! I hate you!” she screamed, and then she put her arms around his shoulders, sobbing.

“S-Sasha…” 

“Fool! Fool! Traitor!” she squeezed him tightly. 

“For better or for worse… I forgive you. You will die soon, anyway. You used to be a close friend, and we had our fan. You even saved my life, in Utgard castle. You’ve put yourself in danger for me, and I can’t turn the blind eye to it. So, I want my piece of that cake too, it looks delicious”, Connie even managed to flash a smile to Reiner. 

“I could just kill you for what you did”, deathly glare shone in Mikasa’s eyes. “You almost made titans eat Eren… and me… and you are guilty for so many things, and I would gladly take your life for it. But I remember good times too, when you were kind to Eren. And even if that was a charade… it made him a better man today. So, this won’t be the night you die”, she simply added. 

“Thanks… I guess”, he said. 

“Piece of trash that you are… you are still partially a human, and I can appreciate the human life, no matter how sad, insane and wrecked it is. Besides… you will pay for your crimes, this way or another. And I can wait a lifetime until I see you pay, you armored bastard. Which doesn’t mean I won’t kill you myself, given the chance”, Levi’s tone was phlegmatic. 

Reiner couldn’t face him properly. He just… nodded. 

“I don’t have much to say… I understand you had your reasons, but you still betrayed us. It was hurtful, and hard for all of us. I am willing to forgive you only if you reveal all your information to humanity, no matter how small or insignificant that might be. You know much, about titans, titan shifters, and that knowledge can be useful. I am counting on you to help us, in any way you can”, Armin was practical, as always. 

“I’ve told them everything they wanted to know. I see no point in keeping information now, after being captured. There’s no going back to my people anyway”.

“Your people? Where? How many of you are there? How did you obtain these powers, and why…”, Eren interfered, piling up questions. 

“Eren, not now”, Lotte sighted. “Please”. Eren looked at Reiner. 

“I don’t want to forgive you. I loved you like I would love a big brother, and I looked up to you. You were like… a moral compass, the real example of strength and fortitude. I admired you, and you turned out to be the worst thing of them all. A CONSCIOUS TITAN. You, and Bertholdt. You were aware what you were doing, and it makes it unforgivable. What you did, led to my mother’s death. I lost everything. My father included, I still don’t know anything about him. So, you don’t think you deserve forgiveness? Good, because you don’t. I am sure as Hell I will never, ever accept what you are, and what you did”, Eren reacted exactly how everyone expected him to react. 

“I know. I understand, and you have every right to feel that way. But, I am sorry, Eren. Honestly. I was torn, and didn’t know… who I was, or what I should do. I didn’t know what was right anymore… I just knew that our people needed you. Your power. I wanted it so badly that I wasn’t thinking who or what must be sacrificed along the way. So… I apologize… because I…”

“Oh, shut it, already. It’s his birthday, let’s give him one day of peace”, Connie said. 

“Yeah. I am with Jaeger on this, but Connie has right. Let’s try to get along, if just for tonight”, Jean expressed his opinion. Lotte wanted to hug him in that moment. 

“But, don’t expect presents from us, Reiner. We still hold a grudge against you”, Jean smiled, taking a piece of cake for himself. “Oh, this is good…”

“It was made by my corporal, Ezra Schwarz”, Lotte said, “she also gave me the permission to organize this all”. There wasn’t only cake in that place, there were also some wine and food on the table. And that was a huge thing among the squad. 

“She did?” Sasha was eating another piece. “It’s splendid!” 

“Hey, easy there, or you will choke”, Connie teased. 

Jean whistled. “That woman is the definition of insanity”, he joked, “I wish we could switch corporals. She sounds like fun”. He didn’t catch the warning glance from Armin, who tried to signalize to him to shut up. Levi heard it all, but didn’t react to Jean’s words. However… 

“So, this corporal of yours… she left?” Levi suddenly asked Lotte. She noticed how he was playing with Ezra’s fork between his fingers. There was something about those two she couldn’t explain.

“Well, yes… almost twenty minutes ago”, she responded. He sighted. 

“Tch… sure she did. I am going too, I’ve had enough of this bullshit… and I don’t refer to a cake”. He stood up, and looked at his squad. 

An awkward atmosphere will be crushed by that alcohol they had on table; he was sure… so he felt he could leave them all now. Those brats will be fine. 

“You fools better behave, or I will make you clean the whole HQ five times in a row”, he threatened. “Special permissions expire in dawn, so you all must leave early. Until then, just refrain yourselves from killing this freak”. He looked at Reiner. 

“Also, if you drink too much, I will think of very creative ways to punish you, none of them pleasant”. 

He went to the door. “Oh, and by the way… happy birthday, freak”, Levi said, without turning his head towards any of them. Reiner looked after the small man, before Lotte came to him and hugged him. 

“Don’t be angry with me… please”, she whispered. 

“You… you did something wonderful for me tonight, Lotte. There’s nothing to be angry about”, he said. “Thank you, a million times. I don’t remember having stranger, or better birthday. I can finally be me, without pretending”. 

With those words, he dared to do something he didn’t do for a long time. He kissed her. 

“Now, let us share a drink, or two… like in good old times”, Connie proposed something which already was on everyone’s mind. Therefore, Sasha was pouring the wine into everyone else’s glasses, and was also the first one to make a toast. Which was one simple (which everyone else ultimately repeated): 

“Happy birthday!”

And happy it was.


End file.
